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February 1st, 2010
11:46 am - One Blind Ken
My rhyming month concluded,
on a week of eyes blinded.
On Wednesday with a laser blast,
my perfect eyes time has passed,
now for a week I cried while turning,
in bed with smells of my flesh burning,
inside my head where lasers struck,
with people saying why the fuck,
did you have surgery on perfect eyes,
I'm Ken it's really no great surprise.
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January 12th, 2010
03:59 pm - A day of discovery
The office has been filled with chitter,
fueled by Jamies new mags for the knitter.
A guide to crotcheting without botch,
moved talk to needles and crotch.
And the chatter then turned into titter.
Women with special down below holes,
for golden bars and silvery poles,
We asked if encountered,
or indeed maybe mounted,
but no-one had managed those goals.
The sexes swapped but the question remained,
did we know of a man with prince albert obtained,
like the devil so mentioned,
appeared Alan and when questioned,
told us all about his experience gained!
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10:05 am - Waypoint reached
Tonight when the clocks are ten thirty,
bbc one will show my bro without shirty,
the story of his hics,
how they made him so sick,
but now with kirsty young he gets flirty!
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January 6th, 2010
02:35 pm - Funkytown!
New years eve came and I wanted to party,
but dressing up fun or dressing up smartly?
Problem solved by poundland of all places,
Hark at my shoes with their funky new laces!
Remember now folks rhyming is fun,
comments must rhyme or I'll be kicking your bum.
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02:10 pm - Teeny tiny world.
Sunday 27th head spinning away,
For drinking so much it's the price that I pay.
Heading for home around three o'clock,
I text Samantha that pool game will rock.
Met at a sports bar chatted and played,
she seemed nice enough so after we'd paid,
I said I'd head home but should we eat first?
she said yeah why not and also quench the thirst.
So we popped into a bar close to a galleon,
to decide between chinese, indian or italian.
I talked about how I'd come up from near lincoln,
she said "yeah I know it" and then after thinking,
she said "my dad worked there" and I stared at my hands,
as she uttered the words "He lived in Timberland"
I stuttered and gazed she looked back at me scared,
you have got to be joking I coldly declared.
For my parents do live there and this house that you mention,
I remember from childhood and I can say without question,
we used to stop by when walking the dogs,
and it's now pretty certain we played together as sprogs.
When this info began to sink in,
there was be only one option... Drinking!
We called and texted parents to give them the news,
that we'd randomly met and were both so enthused.
The plan to head home was then thrown away,
We chomped down on chinese not worthy of pay,
We ordered a taxi and left behind the car,
Headed to hers for more drinks and singstar.
I have a new friend I've known for many a year,
so whenever I can get the car into gear,
I'll get myself down to hartlepool to see her,
for chatter and giggles and pool and a beer.
Remember now folks rhyming is fun,
comments must rhyme or I'll be kicking your bum.
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11:51 am - Boxing day
Oh Christmas day it did suck a goat,
spent hoping the docs could keep an old man afloat.
I got home late feeling nearly defeated,
to a noisy house and turkey reheated.
I tried on a smile and headed for bed,
for boxing day plans were inside my head.
I woke and made some tea for my nan,
while chrisy and mum visited the old man.
I drank hard with chrisy, ken and andy,
spirits and beers! no room for gay shandy.
We partied till late and I checked my emails,
Ooh an invite to pool from a friendly female!
I told her aye if in the morning I wake,
and can head for my home without alcohol shakes.
Then I'll stop in to see ya and we can play pool,
but right now I am drunk and I drink like a fool.
Remember now folks rhyming is fun,
comments must rhyme or I'll be kicking your bum.
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January 4th, 2010
05:39 pm - mission!
The grand January plan,
by a masterful man,
He says for the full month ahead,
as he journals from his bed,
that each post will be rhyming,
so now read with comedy timing.
For an impulsive man I am,
with a poetic master plan.
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December 26th, 2009
02:09 am - lonesome
why is no-one here or on msn? anyone would have thought it was xmas or something, I'm only semi drunk! someone? anyone?
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December 25th, 2009
10:55 pm - Supergay xmas
Yeah I knew it'd be bad but hell it's been bad! There is probably never a good day for your dad to have a heart attack but this morning was monumental bad timing. He's in hospital now, had an op and is scared but hopefully will be ok. I told him it's not on and not to do it again.
yeah crap.
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12:51 am - xmas time
xmas time,
drinking mulled wine,
chatting to beeeee
and feeling fine.
I heated the brew,
it's sticky red goo,
and filled it with oranges
to ward off the flue.
You know what would make this thing great? if the insert image option could do snapshot from cam, that would make posts like this so easy because then I could show you how Buff Man Meat drinks his mulled wine straight from a pyrex jug.
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December 23rd, 2009
11:24 pm - House cam
I have a webcam that points out of the front of the house, it records for security! yesterday I thought to myself, my website is having a rebuild anyway so why not at least make the front page a bit more interesting.
Thats right if YOU want to look out of my office window right now, then just go to kensands.co.uk
I'll put some mince pies in the office so you can snack while you watch the street
to make it extra interesting I went outside and did something, can you see what I did? can you see it? hehehehe.
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December 22nd, 2009
11:21 am - Sunday on the beach
Finally got round to putting these pictures up.
Here's the beach next to mine on an icy December Sunday.
The view from my house, thats my angled car and over there is the sea you see?
once I wander out of the end of the road I get to this... not open that day! boo.
It's actually about 100 feet down to the beach, thar be cliffs first, the step slope downwards and were covered in ice so I skated down holding on to the rail!
While trying to look ... rugged! ... is that the same as being hit by a rug?
so heres the beach, me and a man even more mental than me fishing!
It's a crazy sea which changes the beach daily, one morning it'll be an entirely pebble beach the next it's all soft sand, and the level of the beach can change by 15 feet in a day, sometimes you have to jump off the bottom of the steps sometimes you can't see the last 10 steps. and the tide is mostly in on these pics, when it goes out you can walk out and around the big rock.
a history of the beach is here http://www.bornyesterday.org.uk/marsden_bay.html
And hey my beach is at number 3 in the times dramatic uk beaches chart!
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December 21st, 2009
11:47 am - visitor of doooooom
Late on yesterday I got an unexpected visit from Claire, she was apparently driving back from london so stopped by. She gave me a call about an hour before, so I said I'd meet her in the pub. It was nice to see her and horrible at the same time, she'd brough along some stuff of mine and asked if she could collect stuff of hers, I didn't want her in the house so I went in and collected up things like car and bank details which were easy to get to and a couple of other things, it'd have been nice to have gotten all her stuff out but as it was unexpected and I'm mid diy there is an entire living room carpet and various other things blocking the stairs. Her stuff is in big heavy boxes in the spare room, so it would have been more certain death than 20 bananas to have tried carting it out. We agreed to sort it another time when it'd be easier. She gave me a big hug and said sorry a whole bunch more times and then she was gone again. It was freezing (Actually freezing see earlier stupid old man post) and her car heating is broken, I know exactly how to fix it and as much as I felt sorry for her driving hours in the freezing cold it also made me smile that all the little things I looked after are now catching up. It's a terrible thing, I want her to be safe and happy but I also want her to be terribly upset and miserable. That makes sense without me seeming like a loony right?
By the way it's not something I could have fixed on the spot I'm not that mean! it requires about half an hour of removing engine bits so you can get to the heater matrix and backflush it to clear out the junk, then half an hour putting it all back together. And I did even have a quick look for an inverter and desk heater so she could have had warmth but they are most likely in the cupboard behind about a tonne of oak flooring.
I spent the night curled up in my bed staring at the walls but it didn't feel so bad.
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11:02 am - Icy roads
Sunday morning, once my head had cleared I decided to do a little work on anything that wouldn't be too noisy, however first I had to make a quick trip to the diy place. my road is a dead end loop (picture will explain) on a hill and it's not a road where gritters visit. When I got to the bottom of the road I spotted an old guy in a little car trying to drive up the steeper route and every time he got about 30 feet before sliding back down again, he tried slow, he tried fast, he tried spinning the wheels, he tried a runup, I watched for about 10 mins just wetting myself wishing I had my camera with me. then I turned around and went the other way.
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December 17th, 2009
11:01 am - Death Dinner
How much moo cow beef would kill a man?
Cooking for one is dull, you can't seriously do roast, but I like roast, so fuck it, I bought a large joint of beef.
I figured I make it safe by having meat and 2 veg, so I chucked 2 carrots in beside it.
I had serious meat sweats by the end and today my teeth still feel... meaty somehow, and I'm not hungry.
I'm not dead.
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10:32 am - DIY Foxy
Planning out a pattern for ceiling lights was tricky, first I measured and marked circles and then tried as hard as I could to imagine being warm, fire burning and that these drawings were giving off a gentle glow, it didn't work.
So credit to kelly for suggesting buying cheap stick on led lights to help visualise it, £2 for a pack of three, and they work brilliantly (use bluetack though the sticky part is a lie!)
I fitted the batteries and stuck them in the various patterns, and mulled.
This is the pattern I've gone for. (excuse the ghostly edges I had to make a panoramic)
And here's the last of the electrical socket work, fixing the dodgy too high connected to the cooker one
And the new point for the top of the wall projector socket (extended the ring main for this one)
Sick and tired of my DIY posts yet?
how about the foxy part? well, I'm down to 13 and a half and seemingly levelled off at that, I'm onto week 5/6 of the 100 pushups plan, I could post pictures of my new sexy body but I wouldn't want to spoil anyones lunch. I figured last night what's really needed is another death meal...
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December 9th, 2009
04:42 am - Night time day time
Sun goes down, sun comes up, tummy turns over and over, head feels a little more crazy.
and as for you xmas, you can just fuck off and die.
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December 8th, 2009
12:58 am - Time is rubbish
Why won't it hurry up and do the job?
No sleep, crazy amounts of headache and even the extreme personal challenges are losing that ability to capture my mind.
I'm not having fun, I think I might even need a little assistance.
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December 5th, 2009
02:04 pm - On a train.
Heading to london for the company xmas night out.
Watching the east of england pass by is dull. Thank god for free wifi.
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December 4th, 2009
03:50 pm - Hunger
I have a strong desire for cake.
How much black forest gateau would kill me?
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